So today I pretty much found out I have a mental disorder.
I did a lot of research and took a lot of tests online, and even though it’s not a diagnosis from a professional, everything pointed in the same direction: I probably have borderline personality disorder.
Which actually wasn’t really a shock to me. I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me, and in 7th grade I was diagnosed with mild depression. But it felt like more than that. And then last year, when I was a senior taking psychology as an elective, we learned about all the mental disorders. When we learned about bpd I was a little intrigued, it definitely sounded like me. And then about a week or two ago I took this test with my friend as a joke to see what disorder we “had”. Of course, I got borderline personality. When I told my friend my results, she was like, “That’s actually text book Lisa. It makes sense.”
So, as I said, I took a bunch more tests today. They were all “Agree/Disagree” for the most part, and it was actually really creepy how many of the questions I was like “OH MY GOD YES!” to. I really am textbook bpd.
In case you were wondering just HOW textbook I am, here’s some of the symptoms for you:
- Unstable Self-Image: Now at first I translated this into “poor self-esteem”, which is not true at all. I LOVE myself, a lot…enough to be in a relationship with myself on facebook. But this means more than that. It’s about changing who you are frequently, and mostly drastically. And this is accurate. I change my likes and my dislikes and my personality and look all the time.
- Unstable Relationships: This one involves idealizing and devaluing other people. Which I do all the time, there is one person in particular though who I can definitely hold as an example for this though. But that’s a different story I won’t get into
- Unstable Emotions: YES. that is all.
- Desperate Efforts to Avoid Abandonment, Even if it is Imaginary or Real: This actually surprised me that this was on the list. I am so afraid of people abandoning me, it’s one of my largest phobias….along with getting raped. That’s up there too.
- Significant Inpulsivity: This is followed by a list of activities such as sexual behaviors, spending habits, eating habits, driving behaviors. My only really superfluous habit is binge eating, which I do a lot. But I always just thought I had an over-eating disorder.
- Recurring Suicidal Threats, Actions, or Behaviors: Yes. I was a cutter for five years and tried to kill myself my junior year.
- Chronic Feelings of Emptiness: This was another one that seemed iffy to me at first, but I gave it some thought and found it accurate. I’m always extremely bored, like claw-my-own-eyes-out kind of bored.
- Inappropriate, Intense Anger: This is my first real no. I am not an angry person, ever. But when I am angry, I am fucking angry.
- Paranoia or Severe Dissociation: Maybe I am paranoid? I always think people are talking about me or judging me or thinking about me. As for dissociation, I’m really not sure.
Now 8.5 out of 9 symptoms seems pretty legit to me. I’m not trying to throw a pity party, or pull any sort of “crazy person card”, because it’s not that big a deal I guess. It’s just nice to know that what I called a “funk” throughout high school was something real.