It scares me that my car fears slowly are coming back.
Not so much fears, but my mind just plays tragic Final Destination type accidents over and over again. It scares the shit out of me, but not enough to hinder me from taking a ride in a car or enough to drive me to tears. (pun not intended)
I’m learning a lot about myself this year. I’m only two handfuls of months away from becoming an adult, and it’s scary. I haven’t changed since I was 13. Everytime I go to my doctor for a checkup, I have to fill out this survey to make sure I’m emotionally healthy. It’s really no help when I lie, but I always do-on the Nutrition section, when it asks if I ever eat in secret and in some other section, when it asks me if I’ve ever had suicidal thoughts or actions. I’ve always said no to these, when they’re really true. Ever since I’ve gotten these sheets, I’ve always had the same answers. Nothing has ever changed for me. Of course, I’ve had my highs and lows during my prime teenage suffering years (mostly within the past year), but for the most part, I haven’t changed much. I’ve had my first drink, but never been drunk. I’ve made the decision to stop being a cutter, and I’ve completely stopped taking ibuprofen.
But I’ve still never had a boyfriend. All the people around me are becoming more and more sexually driven, and here I am…just talk. It’s not only that I’ve never had a boyfriend…I’ve never kissed anyone. And THAT’s what bugs me the most.
I’m so lacking in intimacy. I crave it, all the time. Just to sit with someone and cuddle would be wonderful. Not even a person, I’d be completely happy with cuddling a mouse. I’m going crazy without just the feeling of the knowledge that there is someone who I can call up and say, “Hey, let’s go get dinner/coffee,” and they’ll pick me up in their car, we’ll sing together in the car, and hold hands. ALL I WANT IS A HAND TO HOLD. I’m not asking for washboard abs, a big dick, or tattoos. I’ll take them as they come…but I just crave innocent, romantic intimacy so much. I feel like a savage, ready to rip a buffalo to pieces. I don’t even know if that was a remotely good analogy.
But anyway, I just feel so ridiculous. Like, I’m overbearing or something. I’ve only started being friends with straight guys recently, and it’s still a little new for me. And right now, I’d so prefer a relationship than just any old friendship. With DB, we would make all these half-plans, and he’d just never text me or say anything regarding our plans. We would just keep making plans and rescheduling and making plans until I got fed up. I didn’t even really like him, I just wanted someone to lay in the grass with and hold hands with. And, he said he liked me. I figured SOMETHING was wrong, if a guy who liked me wouldn’t even come hang out with me.
So, with this new boy, I’m being EXTRA careful. He’s not so much a texter, and that scares me, because sometimes our conversations won’t finish. We were supposed to hangout today, and we didn’t make any REAL plans last night, just confirmed that we should chill. I realized after I took a shower this morning that I wouldn’t be hanging out with him today. He never texted me back from last night, so I was uber bummed. I didn’t want to seem like a nag and text him, so I waited. I just wanted to cry, and I layed in my bed for most of the day. I got a text from him mid-afternoon; an apology, and asking to reschedule for next week. I was half elated, one fourth angry, one fourth upset, and it took me a little while to generate a response that didn’t seem completely bitchy through a text message.
He seems sincere with his “maybe sometime next week?”, but if we go to make plans again and he pulls the same shit as DB, PEACE OUT. I’m not dealing with allllllll that shit again. But he’s nice, really nice. Hopefully something’ll work out. And my fantasies of having that perfect boyfriend will come true. And then I won’t graduate a total fucking loser.
maybe I should take a chill pill, too. I should realize “hangout” does not equivalate to a “date”. I should not expect myself to hold hands with this boy, get a goodnight kiss, or a hug. I will, however, expect fruitful conversation. And for him to drive me home, at least. I just want for this to work out so bad. I don’t want to be crazy, I’m a nice girl. Just, a nice girl who’s gone through some shit.
“And we’re going to these meetings
But we’re not doin’ any meetin’
And we’re trying to be faithful but we’re cheatin’, cheatin’, cheatin’
I’m the hero of the story
Don’t need to be saved”—Regina Spektor, “Hero”
Liking people is so weird, how it can be so different.
For instance, there was the first guy…HIM. I would fuck him no matter what. And that’s all I want- his penis. I didn’t care what came with it, if we dated, got married, or if it was one hit it and quit it. I would have been pleased with any of that.
Then the second guy, DB. I didn’t think he was that cute, and he was pretty much a player. But he certainly was a sweet talker. I would have enjoyed just sitting with him in my backyard, talking. Maybe fooling around a little, just letting whatever happened happen.
And now there’s this new guy. And he’s pretty much perfect. I do like him, a lot. I don’t want to have sex or fool around like the other guys. I just want to drive around with him, and talk about life. Bake cookies, and look at the stars. Go to shows, get coffee, cuddle, hold hands and just be cute. I think he’s just so wonderful. We could be so cute.